COMPASSIONATE LANGUAGE-A PRACTICE TO BRING PEACE TO YOURSELF, AND TO SPEAK AND LISTEN IN WAYS THAT LEAD TO CONNECTION AND UNDERSTANDING.
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Nonviolent Communication - compassion for ourselves, compassion for others and ways to speak truth while creating connection and understanding.

The Art of Surrender

4/1/2020

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Picture
March 30, 2020

Before this virus began to be a part of this surreal time, I have been realizing again and again, or I’ve been given the opportunity to see, what its like to surrender control, to surrender being able to plan and find solutions.  How grateful I am to realize this before our world turned upside down!

Eight months ago my oldest child, my daughter who is 26, became chronically ill and began to lose normal everyday functioning. She had struggled with fatigue and sleep deprivation/insomnia (non-24 hour sleep disorder) for 10 years, yet this was different. The littlest bit of exertion would lead to “crashes” of energy, not being able to move her legs, or pick up a glass, or talk even sometimes. And so the frantic part of me began to research, to make appointments with specialists, to try to find some way that this wouldn’t be so. And along the way I’ve been reminded how this is her journey of learning to pause, to listen to her body and find what it needs to heal. And my job is to be a guide, to be a supporter, to check in with her and see how she is and what, if any, support she’d like. To be present and bring my presence and unconditional love. (sigh)

I have found that when I slowed down and used some things I’ve learned from Internal Family System therapy, a part of me wanted to find the solution, to find THE cure or find the resource that would help her.  And of course this would be supportive. And as the months drug by I found that there was a part of me that was frantically searching - spending all my time researching on the internet, talking to various people, scanning over and over.  And I realized I would barely take a few minutes of down time to just be. I had been consciously making sure I was still caring for my well-being so I could be a supporter, and I was celebrating that I was finding balance for the first time. That I was realizing that it was not my job to solve everything, that she got to be an adult and yet it was challenging because not being well and having brain fog and such extreme fatigue, she needed someone to be her brain from time to time.  So the part of me that takes the role of caregiver, of mother, very seriously began to be activated. I had the gift of slowing down to get to know this part that believes I alone must find all solutions if someone I loves is hurting. I had the gift of several times a week keeping my scheduled calls with colleagues and friends where we do empathy listening trades, or peer counseling. I also kept meeting with my counselor. 

I had a memory surface of going to the movie Jurassic Park, when I was pregnant with my oldest, and having many contractions as I watched the stressful action movie.  I realized that then and there I felt in me how what I did greatly impacted my baby, and I realized I had made an unconscious, sacred vow (see Sarah Payton’s work at www.empathybrain.com) that I would protect this child and cause no harm, even at a cost to myself. Of course many parents make this vow without realizing it, that we will give our lives for our children. And yet there was something liberating about acknowledging just how long I had been holding that vow, to keep my three children safe and alive. And no wonder this was challenging that part of me. That super protector part was so fearful if it didn’t keep me frantic and searching, that I and they would not be ok. I got to give that part empathy for how much it felt responsible for loved ones, how much it wanted well-being, and how tired it was from trying to hold the world back and protect when really there was no way to control what life brought.

I also remembered a much younger part of me that had had to keep tracking to see what needed to be done to keep me safe and of course it was activated. Getting to know these protectors within me helped me to see that I could hold those parts close and help them have new roles. 

When I asked what new role the doer part that wanted to control wanted and left room for it to emerge, the doer let me know it wanted to be the one that was the supporter - supporter of me to surrender to things much higher and more powerful  than myself. I could imagine letting go of knowing, of trying to figure everything out. And like a wishie (a dandelion gone to seed) I could blow and have the worry carry away on the wind, without letting go of still tracking and seeing how I might support and care. I could imagine all the worries passing on the air through my heart, yet not staying there.  The wish of knowing all the answers to save my daughter, could wind through my heart, be infused with love and care and then be given back to “the universe” to hold and care for. 

Being with the unknown is one of the hardest things for this body that from early on lived with uncertainty- not knowing when my parents would be laughing or fighting, when my parent would drink too much and need to be put to bed, or would come to me talking late into the night or crying on my bed. Or when a parent would emotionally distance themselves so they could survive and keep going.  

And yet my higher self has learned how to find support within myself, to find nurturing, caring others and with my Compassionate Presence or Compassionate Witness that I can feel with me if I slow down enough.  And this wise one has learned how to care and how to be resilient and accept what comes, while also being able to discern what is most serving of needs at any moment. It has learned that you never know how things will go and what is really “good” or “bad”, that surrendering may be one of the most powerful things to do. 

What I realized was that my daughter had her own healing journey to embark on that was uniquely hers and that it is important for her to be at choice and be in charge of how that journey goes. To learn to listen to her inner compass as to what direction she feels called to follow in her journey of finding out her own puzzle - what made her ill, what helps her manage, and what helps her heal. I can lean into trust that whatever happens is her journey and that she has everything she needs to be on that journey.  I am grateful that we have the loving relationship we do so that I can be someone who nurtures her and supports her while not taking over her process.  

I had often been quite resistant to “let it go” mantras (even if I really love that song from Frozen).  Mostly because I wanted the room to have whatever emotions I was having and not be forced to “get over it” by letting it go. I was educated by this culture to push feelings away, to only have “good” ones, to not be “too sensitive”, and on and on and on.  So when I realized my own way of letting go which I like to call surrender, I came to see what my own process way. I realized that by leaving time to mourn that this has happened to my beloved first born I could give room for letting go to naturally arise. And it was scary, I resisted mourning and really speaking, or waling, my heart ache of how I could not make my daughter well. And bit by bit, I have come to accept some without letting go of hope. To surrender and be open for whatever might emerge.  Holding that tension or balance. I can still see what resources there are without getting attached that they will be the ones she chooses. Or that there is any one “right” way to do this. Healing comes in many forms, and who am I to know which path is the one to take? 

Phew, such work to do! I hope that with this journey that I may become more at peace with whatever comes so that I can contribute to others by being present for their inner wisdom to arise. I hope I am that for my children, my spouse, my friends, and my community.  

And wow, what a time to learn how to surrender, and to trust, and to be in the present moment!  Now with this pandemic sweeping the world, it is hard to not want to control, yet feel so out of control.  It is the time to have such unknown, and to still choose to return to presence, and one breath at a time. To slow down, and to see what is being called forth. To go on this journey with everyone in the world! 

CLICK HERE to go to my video of Cultivating a Compassionate Witness Meditation.  Or go to the DOWNLOADS tab above. 

​
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Inspring stories continued....

5/15/2019

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​I realized I don't often tell the people on my list what I'm up to, or what I'm learning. And I wondered why?

Maybe there's a part of me that has been educated to not be boastful, or the part that worries that I'll sound like an evangelist, or a used car salesman stereotype - trying to convince. 

Then I realized that I just want to CELEBRATE the work I get to witness in the world and be a part of.  And I want the work of living nonviolence, of finding ways to make the world more wonderful for all by empathic listening and authentic expression, to be seen.  So here are a few stories from the field, from my life.

AND I have a request if you want to skip to the end. Or if you want, take a moment to celebrate all that is happening around the world that is valuing understanding, connection, being heard, being seen,  beonging, building trust and social movements that really serve!
For the past 10 years I've been involved in a community that supports people in bringing the work of Nonviolent Communication to the world.  People come to be supported in becoming a Certified Trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Its the community where I learned and where I became certified.  I've listened to stories from people from around the world, and many from North America that have inspired me. Its called the Trainer Candidate Community Path, because the community walks alongside on another. 

Here's a few stories from that connection

There is a man in Uganda who has by himself been spreading Nonviolent Communication in the many schools he supports and visits. He started by supporting girls to be able to stay in school by supporting schools to build water tanks so girls don't spend so much time going to get water, and by buying feminine products himself, so girls could stay in school. Then he began to support teachers, principals, parents and students to learn to communicate and care for each other that held all their needs equally.  He got them to look at the practice of caning (hitting) children for them to learn.  When it came time to have his bosses come to see his work they imagined they would see water tanks and girls in school, which they did, and yet what they saw shocked them.  They saw over 1000 people in a parade to celebrate his work and what they were most grateful for was that he had taught them Nonviolent Communication and their relationships were far better, there was more joy and more learning. 

I'm inspired by a woman I just met through the trainer candidate community that has been supporting Resgtorative Justice in a place where the governor supported diverting youth to a restorative process rather than the punitive system.  She then offers free Nonviolent Communication classes for the youth. It was so well received that the youth wanted their families to take it! 

Another woman I get to work with is in the midwest and she's been asked to support racial equity/anti-oppression work in the schools and she is supporting a research project that helps to look at how to work with the huge race issue in schools, and end the school to prison pipeline. What she's doing is creating opportunities ffor the teachers and heads of schools to be really heard and received with empathy so as to find ways that help them connect to their most marginalized students while also helping to educate those that aren't so marginalized.  Students are being heard and cared for and real solutions that are connected to the needs are emerging as they learn together as a communty.  She's supporting them to find ways to have hard conversations that bring connection, understanding and solutions based on Needs. 
​
I have stayed supporting this group of NVC trainer candidates, even after my own certification as a trainer, because I continue to learn and grow with them, and can provide a loving, warm presence for them on their journey.  Social change work is often quite draining and I hope my contributions help give those who are out spreading the work some companionship and support!  

I got to be inspired by another woman who is in Colombia spreading the movement of listening to Women's dreams as the way to heal the world!  She uses Nonviolent Communication tools and processes to support women being heard so we can heal and let the wisdom surface that will heal our world!

I'm offering the second year of a pilot, with a group of other organizers and facilitators  called Heart FELT - an online program that is a Foundational Experiential Learning Track for integrating the consciousness of shared power, interdependence, and prioritizing connection and understanding. Getting a "felt sense" of this consciouness.  I hope it will be a curriculum learning communities can use. 

Through Heart FELT I get to support a group of folks from around North America, and this year in Austarlia, in integrating Nonviolent Communication into their lives and to support them in their work with faith communities, prisons, schools, families, businesses, organizations, and social change work!  The folks in Austalia don't have NVC trainers in their area and they are going into the prison every week to support people who are interested in learning how to increase compassion for themselves and others, while also taking responsibilitiy for the impact of their words and actions.  The classes help anyone understand themselves, others, and help them learn ways to regulate and come back to a place of responding rather than reacting.  

Last year I got to support a woman in Poland who is helping to bring NVC into the prison system there for the first time. She also supported a woman who was able to express herself to a hospital Administrator about a difficult rule in regards to children in the hospital, when her own child had been severely burned and she needed to bring her nursing child with her.  The administrator was so inspired that he has begun communication training for the whole hospital so that they can learn to be responsive and caring for their patients and employees!

AND, I got to support a pilot program of bringing the Nonviolent Communication and MIndfulness classes to the Department of Corrections staff at the Women's prison here in Washington!  I've been volunteering bringing classes into the prison for the past 10 years with Freedom Project and this was the first time for me  to offer it to staff!  And with the suicide rate of DOC staff being one of the highest, they need support in how to deal with the stress of keeping eveyrone safe in such a difficult environment and still provide a supportive, caring place for inmates to heal and learn so they do not return.  I get a sense that when they have other ways to communicate it ripples out to those with the least amount of power n our prisons.  I very much support prison reform, getting prisons out of a for profit business, creating much more restorative practices, while also looking at the root causes for crimes and putting efforts into prevention and support, and finding ways to support healing and growth, and in the meantine, and as part of that reform, increasing the staff's ability to respond with mindfulness, care, and respect will hopefully have less negative impact on those incarcerated. 

One story I heard in the prison from another volunteer was that an inmate in the women's prison was in segregation, on Christmas Eve. And she had taken the Nonviolent Communication and mindfulness classes. She ended up in segregation when someone picked a fight with her and she defended herself.  There was a woman in the cell next to her night after night having nightmares and screaming out in the night.  The other inmates would yell at her and say "shut up!"  She remembered a meditation she had listened to in the class that had helped her so she said,
"Would you like a meditation?"
The woman in distress said, "Yes! I'd love some medication to make this stop!"
So she said, "No, a Meditation, not medication."
"Oh, sure."
She continued to recount the self-compassionate meditation, and the woman slept that night without nightmares for the first time in years! 

I also get to learn about ways that NVC can be used that aren't as serving as I learn with my peers about making NVC accessible to all, and culturally and overall more sensitive to those who have experienced a chronic life of unmet needs, down through generations. (See Roxy Manning and her blogs for more learning!)

WHAT ELSE?  I also get to offer classes in my local community for people to learn to increase their emotional intelligence and awareness of their own patterns so they can take that into their interpersonal relationships, and into system change!
And I get to support NVC family camp and watch family after family find more effective, caring ways to be together while working with real issues. 

I hear story after story how people are responding differently and communicating much more in alignment with their values, the values we all share, bringing compassion and responsibility.  Speaking to truth, hearing each other's pain, and finding ways to meet as many needs as possible. 


AND I have a vulnerable request to make. Many of the communities I am part of or support try to increase accessibility to offerings so that anyone can learn NVC.  And there are many resources needed to complete the 3-5 year journey to become a certified trainer. We have been experimenting with a gift economy and try to share resources in the community as best we can.  And we often fall short of the need for sustainability.  I would like to try a new level of the experiment to increase inclusion, accessibility, ease and economic justice fo all and that's where you come in!

BOLD REQUEST: Would you be willing to consider becoming a member of my circle of support?  Could you make a monthly donation to support the work of the candidates I support; the offerings I bring to schools, individuals, families, students, organizations, the work in the prisons; the programs I offer online; OR to fNVC amily camp that I support?
 $30 a month could support a trainer candidate
$650 could support someone to attend NVC family camp.
or $20 a month could help someone take a class in Compassionate Communication
$50 a month could support a person of color to become an NVC trainer

If you're inspired, you can use Pay Pal to donate to the Trainer Candidate Community Path that supports candidates for certification in NVC. The fiscal agent is a nonprofit called the Center for Compassionate Communication of Ohio (CCCO).  Put  "TCCP" in the message on paypal.
pay to:  info@speakingpeace.org.

AND if you want to support me directly in the work I offer to individuals, communities, families, students, organizations, faith communities, trainer candidates, the prison, etc. you can donate to: 
paypal to:
Mgchristen@aol.com

You can designate a program and let me know if you want to make a monthly donation. 

To contribute to scholarships for families to get to NVC family camp donate to:
send a check to:
Douglas Dolstad
NWCompass
11205 Southwest Corbin Beach Road #2, Vashon, WA 98070. USA
Put NVC Family camp DONATION in the memo line

Freedom Project Seattle go to http://freedomprojectwa.org/donate/
Freedom Project Seattle provides Nonviolent Communicaiton, Mindfulness, and Racial Equity work for volunteers and people incarcerated in Washington state prisons.

DONATIONS to TCCP via Center for Compassionate Communication of Ohio (CCCO), Freedom Project,  or to NVC family camp via Northwest Compassionate Communication, are all tax deductible in that they are each a 501 c3 nonprofit. 

THANK YOU for your support. Remember, no amount is too small. It all adds up and supports a world that works for all. 

(If you're interesred in economic justice see "Sacred Economics".

warmly, Marcia Christen
Certified Trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communicaiton

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Living Nonviolence: A story of inspiration

9/28/2018

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I heard a story today that filled me with hope. And I could use some hope right now.  I was on a video class that I facilitate to support people integrating Nonviolent Communicaiton. A woman from Poland told a story of a friend of hers who had a difficult situation. Her 3 year old son had spilled boiling water on himself and was taken to the hospital. He was in great pain and she of course wanted to be there with him. She also had another young son, a few months old, she was nursing. This children's hospital had a policy of not allowing any children to visit. She was stuck between choosing which child to be with and comfort. After a few days of trying to navigate this tough situation, she told the hospital staff she would not be following their rules. She had learned NVC so she listened to their arguments, gave them empathy for the safety and protection they were trying to provide, then she expressed what wasn't working and how it was not meeting needs for well being for her hospitalized child nor her infant child, nor her, and in the end, it was not meeting the very needs the rule had been created to protect.  They not only listened, they decided to let her come to the hospital with her young son, AND they decided to change the policy. Now the hospital administrator wants to train all the staff in Nonviolent Communication!  All from one person being nonviolence and having the ability to listen and express in ways that led to connection. And she did this even though they were threatening her with various punishments and consequences.  We can find ways to come back to our compassionate ways, care for our needs along with others without reacting, fighting, punishing, etc.!  We can find a way to get us back to seeing our humanity and finding ways that work for all!
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​The "F" word

3/21/2016

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The "F" word Ok, so you thought I might be writing about swearing, but I'm actually writing about  Feelings.  Many people consider feelings the "f" word, because they've been taught that certain ones aren't good and you need to move away from them, get over them as quick as possible.  Or we're taught that we're too sensitive, that we have too many feelings.  In any case, our poor feelings have gotten a bum wrap as we used to say.  Feelings have not been appreciated for all they do for us.  And the more we're told not to have certain feelings such as anger, sadness, disappointment, envy, depression, and rage, the more we get the message that we can't handle feelings and they are something to be feared.  When we lose the ability to be with our feelings we reduce our resiliency, our ability to bounce back, and we reduce our ability to be with a large part of our lives. We also reduce our ability to be with others in an effective way.  On top of this we lose a feedback system that can give us a lot of information to help us.  Many fear that if they have their feelings it's too vulnerable or they won't ever get out of them and they'll wallow or fall into an abyss and be dysfunctional. In actuality most feelings last less than a minute when we acknowledge they're there.  Naming feelings and allowing them to be there can help us get out of our looping thinking, when we're caught in judgments about ourselves or others, that may or may not actually be true. And naming feelings helps us to begin to tap into our own inner awareness and wisdom!

Feelings or emotions are energy in motion - e-motions.  And that energy is giving us information that something needs our attention.  Feelings are body sensations.  Anger for me might be my heart beating faster, my palms sweating, my face feeling hotter or any number of things.  Those body sensations help me know if my needs are met or unmet and help me to act out of choice and mindfulness in ways that might actually get my needs met and I have the ability then to also consider needs of others.  Thank goodness for the movie "Inside Out", which won an academy award, because it shows us that ALL feelings are important and we need them.

And I'd like to take it a bit further.  Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication, taught that feelings are there to tell us if our needs are met or unmet.  So feelings are the results of Universal Human Needs, the values and qualities of life that help us thrive.  Such as Respect, Consideration, Being Seen, Being Heard, Connection, Integrity, Safety, Protection, Kindness, Beauty, Growth, Appreciation, Trust, Reassurance, Security, Clarity, Understanding.  These values help us thrive and all humans share the same Needs, we only conflict on the ways, or the strategies we use to meet needs. Once I have a feeling I can then identify the need!  If I'm feeling a feeling that we term as "negative", one I don't enjoy, then there is something that I am longing for, that I am trying to meet, that is not met.  For example, if I notice my jaw is tight, my arms are clenched, I might feel frustrated because I am needing Respect and Consideration.  Or I might feel heavy in my shoulders because I am feeling disappointed because I'm needing connection and companionship.

Where attention goes Energy flows. 

So when I identify a feeling and a Need (or many feelings and needs as is usually the case), I can then move toward getting that Need or Needs met.  I can increase my awareness of what's going on for me and make a request of myself or another to get my Needs met.  I can be open to many strategies to meet a Need.  I can also hold others' Needs with care and we can find ways we can get as many Needs met as we can through natural giving - giving that comes freely from the heart.  Marshall explained that when we empathize with someone or ourselves, we listen for feelings and needs. And we are all operating in an empathy deficit. SO name those feelings! and what needs they're connected to.  Everyone could get their bucket filled that way.  And if we can be resourced we can be more likely to be able to name feelings and needs for others and then they get filled up!!  

Now our language doesn't always help us realize that Feelings are the results of Needs and that we are responsible for our feelings and Needs.  In fact, it's the opposite.  How often do you hear "How did that make you feel?", or "That made me so mad!"  When we believe that our feelings come from external places that things make us feel, then we lose our power and our responsibility for them. When I understand my own feelings and Needs I can become responsible to find strategies to meet them.   There is also saying "I feel like..." and "I feel that..." when what follows isn't a feeling at all, but a thought, usually a judgment that will actually keep us looping in the feeling and the feeling will be in control.  When we listen in empathy, when we are present to ourselves or another's feelings, without taking them on, or staying stuck in them, without reacting to them or reacting out of them, then we merely listen and guess what those feelings and Needs are.  We allow ourselves or others to empty our hearts to get to the heart of the matter.  Just in naming the Needs, I am more connected to them.  There has been research shown that what we resist, persists.  So, researchers studied brains when someone was shown a picture which elicited an emotion.  The emotional center of the brain lights up when there is an emotional experience.  Researchers found that if the feeling was named, then the lighting up of the emotional area of the brain decreased.  If the feeling was not named and the person just didn't think of it or distracted themselves, then the area stayed lit up, even though the person appeared to be "in control".  No wonder we react all of a sudden and wonder why we did that, the feeling never got to be expressed, so it comes out.

So, Name, Claim and Tame your feelings. Name the emotion or body sensation. Claim that it is your responsibility by naming and sensing what it is that your heart is longing for.  What is important to you right now? Tame them by connecting feelings to a Need and seeing what requests you can make of yourself or others.  Tame them by not acting out of them tragically to meet needs without any awareness of what they are.


 Steps to increase awareness and choice:
1.  Observe:  Notice what you are thinking - be an observer of your thoughts and what's actually happening, not your interpretation of what's happening. (You can put your hand on your head to 
remind yourself).  You can ask yourself, "What am i telling myself?" or "What am I believing right now?". You can place your hand on your head to help remember this.
2.  Notice what's going on in your body (Feelings) You can even put your hand on your heart to remember to notice your feelings and to be kind and gentle with yourself.  Let yourself have your feelings.  Give them room to help you know what's going on so you can act out of choice rather than just reacting.
3. Notice what it is that you really value.  What Needs of yours are met in this moment, what Needs of yours are not met that you're longing for? (You can place your hand on your gut as a reminder of what core values are up).
4. Let those be, take a breath or two and see if naming them is enough to remind you to move towards them or is enough to connect to how important it is to you or see if there's a request you have in this moment.  Open hands is a symbol of holding the needs dear and seeing if there's a request that comes to you. When we don't know what it is we're wanting in any moment, what Need is up for us, we tend to try to meet these Needs in not so serving ways, or tragic ways that won't get our needs met in the end or will be at the expense of other's Needs.  When you guess someone else's feelings and Needs, you help calm their emotional center and help them slow down and connect so they can come to their inner wisdom of how they might meet those Needs.  And it's super important for us as humans to have connection - where people get us.

So the biggest gift you can give is your presence to yourself or someone's feelings and Needs.  No need to solve the problem, or talk them out of their feelings, or console, educate, one up or interrogate, just imagine what they might be feeling and what's important to them. You can silently empathize or say your empathy guess out loud.  Doesn't matter if you're right or not, because just the naming of the feelings and needs is helpful.  So, go ahead and have those feelings now that you know they're *&!# awesome!

​ To learn more about Nonviolent Communication or for a list of Feelings and Needs see www.compassionate-language.com.  See also www.cnvc.org and www.nwcompass.org.

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My continuing journey with transitions

9/20/2015

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For the past year I have been working in one of the biggest transitions in my life - that of my three children moving out of the house and living a majority of their time away from our home at the universities they are attending.  I have found that I have needed all my self-compassion and awareness skills along with my web of support, as I try to navigate this change.  How do I support them as they spread their wings and go into new situations and not helicopter or micromanage? How do I share my authentic self and support them in not hearing they are responsible for my feelings?  How do we maintain connection while we are no longer physically together, and how do I be with loneliness and missing in my heart?  How do I face that my most precious people go out into a world I don't always trust?  
I realized that I have needed a lot of time to work with this change.  And I found my husband was on the same page too, he also was missing them immensely. We both found it challenging to respond to comments such as, "So have you gotten used to your empty nest?" or "Are you enjoying your freedom now?" or suggestions of what to do to "fill" the time now that the children were gone.  
I realized, 1. I need a lot of empathy and understanding for just where I am and the freedom to not follow a prescribed path others believe I "should" be on.  I need empathy for myself and room to be with this change in the way I need to. So I decided to look at why I got triggered and felt more alone when people made those comments? I realized that I had a belief that if I "got over" it quickly then it wasn't honoring the depth of the love I had for them and our life together.  I had spent 21 years as a parent with children in my home, being around some of my favorite people.  I realized I was struggling to understand why in this society families must separate as we do.  And I needed time. When I heard those comments, I had a sense that I was not doing "right", and so more loneliness.  
My husband and I didn't have a sense of resonance that others struggled like we did and yet it was comforting to be understood by eachother. 
2. I learned to really get clear on what I wanted back from people - "I just long to be heard for not wanting to "get used to it" because I really like being with my children. And have that be ok and expected.  Would you be willing to hear how hard it is for me and how just hearing that is helpful, and you don't have to solve it?"
3. I learned that I have had many of my needs met by my children - companionship, authenticity and acceptance, in that it is only really with my family I can really be myself and know I have acceptance, of course also meaning and purpose, knowing I matter, contribution big time, love, connection, play, and a shared experience, etc!  And I came to realize that's ok - what a wonderful strategy that has been serving.  I spent awhile beating myself up that I tried to make it so I wouldn't be devistated when they left by having my own passions, and then I realized that I didn't do anything "wrong", I just was experiencing the grief when something ends.  Afterall, we will never be at this place again.
4. I have learned that to have the quality of connection I so cherish, it does not have to have physical presence.  I am learning to find ways to maintain connection and what I call my new "text" parenting role.  In this way I am thankful for technology and how it CAN support connection.  Texting, facetime or skyping, sharing pictures, jokes, links to videos, snapchats through out the day and night keeps us in each other's lives.
 5.  I have learned  to trust that connection and I am so grateful that I changed my parenting to concentrating on maintaining the connection and trust in our relationship rather than on certain results or behavioral changes.  They want to have connection with us, they don't need to "rebel" or "push back", they want us in their lives.  And with this I arrive at a huge connection of gratitude and love for these amazing beings in my life.
6.  And at family camp this summer I was reminded of what I had learned before, and now was experiencing - that there are stages to transitions and sometimes we want to jump to strategy when we may need to be with what is.  I was so comforted and felt so validated when another NVC trainer, Erin Merrihew, expressed that there can be a lot of grief that comes when something ends and to honor that sadness and grief.  She is the one who reminded me of the picture below and the stages so I could see I had a place on the chart!  
7.  I am glad that I have been taking my time to understand myself and have compassion for myself.  I have found that reminding myself to be gentle with myself - to have awareness and compassion - has been essential. 
And now as I head into the second year where all my children are at university, I remind myself to be gentle to myself and notice what I'm longing for as a way to stay present, in this moment. And to seek support.  "bucking up" has never worked for me - letting the sadness, or grief, or melancholy lead to what it is that's important to me - love, connection, mattering, and meaning usually in this case.  I hope that this has been helpful for you to read.  

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Transitions:  The Ever Changing "Nest".

3/22/2015

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Transitions:  The Ever Changing "Nest".

I figured that I would be writing a blog on transitions soon after my children all left the nest for the first time.  And here it is seven months after the beginning of my transition and I am just beginning to write.  I had figured that I would transition and then "get used to it" as so many people told me I would, yet I find that transition, at least of this sort, and yet I imagine of any kind, ebbs and flows and comes and goes.  There is not a clear end to transition, especially to me one  as big as children leaving home.  It helps me to realize that I've spent over 21 years with my children and I've gotten used to them being around.  I think the transition to them not living at home full time is harder than the transition of their coming, although that seemed big at the time, it is not near as big as this one, at least in my heart.  I think the best thing I can do is leave room for my feelings, whatever they are at the moment, and have acceptance that they will ebb and flow and change depending on the day.  Having them home for spring break recently reminded me how much I miss them, and so it was an adjustment to have them go, still is. 

I have found that if I notice my thoughts then it helps me really look at how I am and get a sense of some choice in how I respond.  My thoughts point to my feelings, so when I am telling myself, "This is all wrong. Children should not leave their families..." and "I have no one to be with" I tend to feel sad and lonely and powerless.  So I notice when I am thinking these things that I am longing to be reminded of our connection, of the huge gratitude I have for who they are and I am mourning the physical presence.  And when I fully leave room for whatever feelings, and leave room to mourn, no matter how big or small, I then get the gratitude - I am so grateful to have these three amazing people that are my children.  What tremendous love I have for them.   I have learned over these months to leave lots of room for my mourning because it is in the resistance to my feelings that I begin to suffer.  When I am thinking "Something is wrong with this." or "I shouldn't feel this." or "Oh no, I might feel sad or lonely, that's bad,"  I tend to suffer.  When I stop and notice my thoughts and notice I need space to mourn then there is a little bit of relief as I give myself permission to have these thoughts and feelings.  It doesn't mean I need to buy into my thoughts, I can still be an observer of them and see what they're trying to tell me.  And I love them, that's what it points to and so I miss them.  If I push the sadness away I don't get to the joy.  And if I'm wanting connection and reassurance that we we'll stay in touch, then i can actually make requests of myself to think of them with love and send it to them, to text them and ask times they can video call.  What a blessing to be able to see their faces!  In that way, technology can be very connecting.  A quick text to ask how they are and what they're doing, keeps me connected.  Whenever I say to myself, "Of course you are feeling this.... it's understandable," then I feel more calm and less afraid of my feelings.

I think the other big thing that comes up with a transition of children leaving the home, and maybe in any transition or change, is the wondering what is my purpose, where can I contribute? Who am I in this new role?   I have my work with Nonviolent Communication that I greatly love, and I also hold nurturing as a huge way I contribute.  So I look to how do I nurture and contribute now?  And that's why I have two new kittens.  And I can nurture my kids from afar and provide listening and empathy for them and for others as a way to contribute. 

I think the other thing I've learned through this is how much I need compassion for myself, compassion for how hard this transition can be.  It helps to have others who resonate with that. When I let go of my expectation that I SHOULD do this transition in a certain way, then I can negotiate easier.   I did notice that when people asked, "Have you gotten used to the kids being gone?" every time I wanted to scream "No!" and I realized it was because it seemed like a dishonoring of the preciousness of our relationships if I was ok with them gone and "used" to it so quickly. I understand that some parents really relish their freedom and the ability to choose more self-care, and yet that's just not me in the moment.   I think I would have appreciated just being asked, "How are you now?"  Then I could be real and say some days I'm ok and others I miss them terribly.  And then I could say that I am letting all my feelings have room and I have some acceptance that I may never get entirely "used" to it, and I'm ok with that, because I really value our connection as a family.  And I even wonder if living apart is good for us as a society or a family.  I think we need community and connection and family provides a connection that can be like no other. 

In the end, I want to honor how any of us transition to something new and give ourselves lots of room to have whatever feelings.  No need to rush to being "ok".  What if "OK" is how you are?  What if this is doing transition?  I want to trust that It's ok to be however we are as long as I'm not harming myself or others . I just want to be aware of my feelings and thoughts so I get connected to what's important to me-  what I'm longing for and what I value. 

It seems the one thing we can count on in life is that there will be transitions, and many of them and so if we can give ourselves permission to do it at our own pace, I think we can contribute a lot to the world.  So if you notice someone else going through a transition, maybe check in with them and give them room and permission to be however they are.  You don't have to agree with how they're doing it, you can just connect with what it's like for them to be a human having thoughts and feelings about where they are.  What's important to them right now is something you can relate to and offering that resonance can be the biggest gift.  And most of all, do this for yourself.  Check in with yourself and give yourself permission to have your feelings.  As Rumi said in his poem Guest House,

"Be grateful for whoever (feelings) comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." 

That's really all I ever wanted for my children.  I wanted them to know they had a safe place to have all their feelings and to have room to get understanding of what was important to them and that I would hear that - a place of unconditional love.  And that's what keeps us connected now, even if we aren't in the same nest all the time.  Maybe my new role is to just be there when they call, that in knowing I'm there with unconditional love, I contribute and I nurture.

Thanks for reading.  I hope it contributed something to you.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this. Please post any on the facebook link.  
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Empathy for Joy

8/22/2014

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When we're wanting to change how we communicate and we're learning Nonviolent Communication we often focus on trying to apply the language and the consciousness of compassion during the most difficult situations - conflict with our loved ones.  One of the most helpful things I was told while trying to integrate nonviolence into my life was how important Empathy for Joy was.  What does this mean?  

Empathy for Joy is noticing when Needs are met - when we're connected to what we value.  Notice when you have connection, when you feel reassured, when you feel included and have a sense of belonging.  Notice when you feel love, peacefulness, calm, excitement and ask yourself "What Needs of mine am I connected to?" or "What Needs are met right now?" Name them - "Ahhh, Connection, Belonging, Hope, Reassurance, Fun & Play."

Recently, a Meditation group I'm part of that meets monthly began studying Rick Hanson's book Hardwiring Happiness (which I highly recommend).  AND you can watch him on You tube for some quickie ways to actually balance out what he calls our brain's Negativity Bias.  In short, this isn't about making more happy things happen by getting that special job, or having everyone in your life be perfectly ok in any moment, or about having a certain someone, or car or vacation.  It's about NOTICING when Needs are met and letting it sink in.  His process is called HEAL.

Have a "good" experience - meaning notice when your Needs are met.
Enhance it - Take a few moments to name the Need met, and feel it in your body, notice what it's like to have this need met. Pause, take it in.
Absorb it - Even saying the Need and relishing how important this need is, visualize it filling your body up.  You can do this for 30 seconds and it has an effect. 
Link - This part is optional.  Link the good experience (Needs met) to a time when you didn't have Needs met.  He says to have caution for this part to have support if it's a big trauma or trigger.  Start small, if you're feeling inclusion link this to a memory you have of being at a party and for a moment having no one to talk and feeling a bit awkward, longing for acceptance.  

For years I've had a practice as I get ready for bed and settle in for the night, I name 3 Needs of mine that were met that day.  I often drift off to sleep while naming many, many Needs met. And now I've learned that this and other Empathy for Joy practices are actually hardwiring my brain for Happiness.  Balancing out my brain (and everyone else's) bias for what is wrong.  We now have the science behind the importance of  Empathy for Joy and the power of Empathy.   It may even make it more possible to have empathy when Needs aren't met because as Rick Hanson says, we fill our bucket up drop by drop.  So put a drop in the bucket today! And give empathy for Joy to others!  When they are excited, happy, joyful, or peaceful guess what Needs of theirs are met - "Wow, you look really excited about the meeting. Do you have a sense of contributing and being seen for your expertise?" or "Sounds like you're really grateful that you have a such friendship in your life?" 

For this week - try 3 times a day, pausing and noticing Needs met and then trying the HEAL process for 30 seconds, notice how you feel.  Or just notice the Needs that are met and notice how you feel in your body and what the state of your heart is.  Notice when others have their Needs met.
Let me know how your week goes! Please put comments on facebook! (It inspires others).

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT Universal Needs are - click the link above that says More and choose Resources.  At the bottom of the page is a list of Universal Needs that Marshall Rosenberg created as a core part of Nonviolent Communication. Universal Needs means that it is a value that everyone wants to be able to thrive.   Everything we say and do is to meet or connect with a value or Universal Need, therefore having awareness of Needs, or a Needs consciousness, increases our ability to be aware and clear about what it is we value that is up for us in any moment.  When we clarify what is important to us, we move toward it - it is on our radar.  And when we notice when Needs are met we are more likely to continue to do the thing that contributed to our Needs being met.  It helps us have compassion and self-responsibility for ourselves. Needs awareness also helps us have compassion for others - we are able to see them as human again.  We need more of this in our lives.  
IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS POWERFUL STUFF look at the classes I have coming up and come! Or look at the books I list under Resources and start reading today!

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Running towards life

1/6/2014

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     I always seem to get an epiphany while I’m running.  Things that relate to life.
     It’s a place for me to practice "being with" and noticing what happens when I don’t resist.  Often while I’m running I begin to feel fatigued or something hurts and I want to stop.  I begin to resist and I tense up, which takes me out of a better form for running.  So, I decided one day to look at what I was telling myself.  I realized there was an unconscious part that was saying,
     “You’re getting too tired!  You can't do this.  It's not ok! You need to stop!” 
     It's the part of my brain that monitors my physical state and wants to keep me alive.  Once I was aware of the thoughts then I could gain perspective, and check if they were true.
         Funny how in life there are thoughts in the subconscious, but just by bringing them to light, they lose their power.  Different than just “thinking positively”.  To me it’s about increasing my tolerance just to be with however I’m feeling.  First I need to notice the underlying thoughts. Because it’s my thoughts that bring about my feelings.  I learned this when I learned W.A.I.T:  What Am I Telling Myself? And then I look at what I’m feeling when I’m telling myself those thoughts. 
                So after the thoughts I noticed my feelings.  I felt worried and stressed, because I wanted reassurance and trust in my body.  And I wanted well-being and definitely comfort.  So instead of running and thinking, “When can I stop?! ” or “I can’t do this.  I can’t handle it”, I decided to experiment and just be with the feelings of worry and stress and relax into "this is where I am.  I have some resistance." 
                And suddenly relief came, much more than when I resisted the thoughts or tried to talk myself out of them.  The more I just said “Yup, I’m tired and worried because I'm wanting to trust I can do this and I want ease from discomfort.” - the more I felt at ease running and enjoyed the journey.  As soon as I accepted and stopped resisting, I began to be less tight and my true, natural form of running returned.  I began to look at the trees instead of my watch, and worried less about when I could stop.  I experimented with just saying what I valued  - trust, well being, reassurance and that I could keep going. Then I began to appreciate the parts of my body that felt strong.
     And I thought how important this is for me to do in life.  Be with what is and keep going and get to gratitude.  Not resisting when pain or worry comes up, not beating myself up for having my feelings, but mindfully choosing to be with it and, most importantly, getting to what it is that I value – Reassurance, Trust, Care for others, Peace of mind, etc.  Then I begin to move towards what I’m wanting.   When I resisted it was like those feelings went downstairs and lifted weights and came back when I didn’t expect it! “What we resist, persists.”   In allowing I found more gratitude in the process, too.   I never thought I would learn to be OK with any feeling and be able to handle life.  Such a tool for empowerment! 
     So the next time one of my kids did something that triggered me where I found myself furrowing my brow and sighing, I stopped and did WAIT.  I was telling myself that they weren’t functioning and so never would.  That I was messing up for not teaching them better. That they weren't safe. 
    "Really? Is that true?" 
    Just noticing this gave me a bit of distance from having thoughts and having them be my reality and the truth.  I realized I felt anxious, scared, and discouraged.  I remembered Tara Brach’s Yes Meditation.  And so, although I felt a bit silly, I said out loud to myself,
    “Yes to worry."  Breath.  "Yes to fear." Another breath.   "Yes to discouragement.”   
     And I realized I wanted reassurance for them being ok, to have Peace of mind and to Trust.  When I became aware of these values then requests came as to how I could trust and find reassurance. That gave me compassion so I could be aware and act out of choice rather than react out of fear.  Whew. That felt reassuring.  I could decide to trust.  I felt so much more resilient. 
    Maybe THIS was all I needed to teach my children.  Help them know how to be with any feeling that comes up.  And to show them how to look at what's important to them that's connected to that feeling, what they value.  Then I’d be reassured that THEY can increase their window of tolerance and be resilient, too. Rather than resisting life, they, like me could run towards life.

Summary:
1.  Breathe
2.  W.A.I.T.  What Am I Thinking? What am I resisting?
3.  What is my body telling me - What am I feeling? What do I feel in my body?
4.  Connect to my core, literally and figuratively.  What do those emotions point to? 
What is important to me? What are my Universal Needs?
5.  Breathe into what's important to me.  Picture breathing that need into my heart.  Savor it.  Rest in Gratitude for those precious values.
6.  See if any requests come.


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Anger lesson from "the hole"

5/2/2013

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It's a typical Tuesday and I find myself in the most uncommon place. I'm sitting in a room with four women chained to their chairs. Not only that, they have chains around their waists, around their hands, and feet.  I'm in a small echo chamber room in the middle of segregation at the Women's Prison - or what's often called, "the hole". And although I'm not usually claustrophobic, just seeing them in their chains in this cold, cell block, I feel claustrophobic.  
     I'm co-leading a Nonviolent Communication class in segregation with another volunteer and today we're talking about Anger.  To violent offenders. 
     I listen to one of the inmates, a young woman who has a son, who is in for 7 years for assault.  She speaks about growing up with everyone hitting each other.  She says with tears in her eyes, "I need to find another way. I don't know any other way, but I know I need to change." 
  And I think at first, we've had such different lives.  YET, as she explains, "When I'm angry I can't think."  I can relate to that! Any human can relate to that.  Our brains just shut down as we go into "Fight or Flight", in this case her brain has taught her to fight.  And I think of how many things I regret doing while in the grips of anger, or some other emotion - fear, hurt, desperation.   

And I realize we are the same. "There but for the grace of God go I," I think.  And I know that Nonviolent Communication can help her and everyone else who wants to know how to work with emotions and act in accordance with their values. It's helped me.
- teaching me how to slow down, check in, notice what's going on and get to the feelings and values that are important to me.And then act, not react.  It's helped me listen to others and hear what's underneath their words or actions, even when I don't enjoy what's happening.  It's not just for violent offenders! 
  She pleads to us in the class - "I'm so much more than violence - that's not all of me. You got to help me."  And I look in her eyes and I know that I trust this process I have come to live by. 
And I think of the formula for dealing with anger (or any intense feeling).
1.   Notice what's happening - that you're angry.
2.  Stop! Don't speak or act. You're about to do or say something that won't get what you're really wanting.
3.   Breathe - get oxygen back to the thinking part of the brain!
4.  W.A.I.T. What Am I Thinking? (that's leading me to these feelings?) 
5.  What other Feelings are there? (besides anger - there is usually other emotions - often hurt or fear underneath).
6.   What am I Needing? What is important to me? -What do I value that I'm not connected with   - Universal Needs, such as Consideration, To be heard, To be seen, Respect, Peace, Ease, etc.
7.   Request - What do I want to do now to meet my needs?
    I give her a worksheet so she can look back at times she has acted out of anger and find what was really important to her underneath. She realizes what it was - to be heard and to protect herself from uncomfortable feelings.  Maybe there are other ways she can get this.  It's a start! 
     She is determined to learn about herself so her son won't grow up with physical violence as the only choice to get what he wants.  And I am grateful for being reminded of how people can change.  That I can change.  That Nonviolent Communication can help people get self-awareness and self-compassion so that they may express themselves in ways that can be heard and listen to others with compassion in ways that lead to understanding and connection. 
    As humans we can learn ways to communicate that are more serving, and ALL of us need these skills to improve our relationships, to act out of choice. 
     IF WE DO THIS, we can change the world.  More inner peace, more understanding, more compassion will ripple out and maybe people can be heard without choosing tragic and often hurtful ways to be heard. 
  *IF YOU'RE INTERESTED in learning how you can improve your relationships, your life and the world, read Nonviolent Communication:  A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg.  It changed my life.  OR take my next class - I love to share what's so meaningful to me.
Strengthening Relationships: 
A foundational course in Nonviolent Communication, Fridays, starting May 10th for 8 weeks, 7-9pm, Bainbridge Island, WA
    See the CALENDAR TAB above for more information.
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This is not, this is not, this is not about me....

3/26/2013

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This is from a line of a rap song by NVC trainer, Doug Dolstad.  It follows, "It is, it is, it is about Needs!"  This is one of the most liberating statements. I have always wondered how in the world, you actually "Stop taking it personally!" as I had always been told. And finally the answer - to remember it's about needs (our values) - mine and the other person.  And yet so hard to remember in the moment.  Everything we say or do is to meet a need, even if it's a tragic expression of a need -there's something important wanting to come out. And when I see this I move from judgments to connection.
    Here's a funny example - So, it's a typical rainy, dark day in the Puget Sound area. I'm in a school zone - I'm watching kids on both sides of the street, I'm trying to see in the rain, I see construction ahead. I see a sign saying "STOP" way ahead.  I move to where the sign is to wait for the sign holder to direct me. He starts waving the sign back and forth at a faster speed as I get closer - I clue in - he wants me to stop where I am NOT where he is.  He walks back to me and gives the universal sign for "what the hell are you doing?"  by raising his arms and opening his palms up while shaking his head. I feel so angry.
     "Are you implying that I'm a stupid driver that doesn't know where to stop?," I think to myself.     "Safety is my middle name! How dare he."  Ok, it's not about me.... it's about needs. So, amazingly, I roll down the window and say with a guess "I realize your job is all about safety and it's really important to you that we all stay safe?  I just want you to know, I'm doing the best I can to tell where you wanted me to stop." 
    That was it - that was my guess of his needs and then mine - I wanted to be seen for my intention and that I value safety too! I didn't make a classic request as the NVC model offers - just some empathy guesses for each of us.
      Well, he looked quite confused - probably hadn't heard anything like that before! Probably more like "What the hell is YOUR problem! I can't tell where I'm supposed to stop!"  So he could answer, "What are you stupid?  Can't you read the sign?" 


     So, yes, I was proud that even in my anger, I remembered that it's about Needs, it always is. He had a huge need for safety, keeping his job (financial security), wanting ease and protection.  I felt so much better having actually expressed my anger fully, in a way I think he could take in, even if he was a bit perplexed.  His look showed that he got it.  And I felt way better than thinking over and over again about how I couldn't defend myself and prove he was wrong.  I did NOT want to be seen as a stupid woman driver. That would have gone around and around in my head all day - never having the sense I was heard or seen.  And it would have affected how I showed up for my loved ones - I'd be all reactive and sensitive to any comment.  I felt defensive, yes, and yet I got that it was about his needs for safety.
    Now I can't always do that - especially when it's a statement that comes from someone I'm close to. But, Hey, I can do it some of the time, and as Marshall says his goal is "to become progressively less stupid every day." 
    I am grateful that there have been times that I can even translate "Why don't you ever.....?" and even "I hate you!"  As long as I take a big deep breath first and then notice my needs . Then I can make a guess that "Why don't you ever...?" is a plea for wanting to know they matter, trust, and reassurance, maybe even safety.  And "I hate you!" is a plea for understanding of how much pain they're in or, care, trust, and to know they matter.  A fellow colleague even got to the point of being able to only see needs when her son said "F*** you!"  She immediately knew that was a plea for help.  Underneath behavior and words there's always a precious need, trying to get out!
    So today, make one attempt at hearing your own need and the need of someone else, even if it comes in a package you don't enjoy! It will help you to quit taking it personally and help you and the other person move towards what you DO want.   (See below for a partial need/value list).
    AND if you want to learn more about communicating effectively - take a class about Nonviolent Communication.  I'm teaching an introductory course in May on Bainbridge Island, WA, Friday evenings. Click here to see the schedule.
  
And repeat three times "It's not, it's not, it's not about me,
it is, it is, it is about NEEDS!"

Click here for the full rap song
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    Marcia has been studying and practicing Nonviolent Communication since 2005. She has experienced immense joy & gratitude while learning this consciousness. This blog reflects some of that learning.
    Find Marcia on facebook at www.facebook.com/
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