This is not, this is not, this is not about me....

   

This is from a line of a rap song by NVC trainer, Doug Dolstad.  It follows, "It is, it is, it is about Needs!"  This is one of the most liberating statements. I have always wondered how in the world, you actually "Stop taking it personally!" as I had always been told. And finally the answer - to remember it's about needs (our values) - mine and the other person.  And yet so hard to remember in the moment.  Everything we say or do is to meet a need, even if it's a tragic expression of a need -there's something important wanting to come out. And when I see this I move from judgments to connection.
    Here's a funny example - So, it's a typical rainy, dark day in the Puget Sound area. I'm in a school zone - I'm watching kids on both sides of the street, I'm trying to see in the rain, I see construction ahead. I see a sign saying "STOP" way ahead.  I move to where the sign is to wait for the sign holder to direct me. He starts waving the sign back and forth at a faster speed as I get closer - I clue in - he wants me to stop where I am NOT where he is.  He walks back to me and gives the universal sign for "what the hell are you doing?"  by raising his arms and opening his palms up while shaking his head. I feel so angry.
     "Are you implying that I'm a stupid driver that doesn't know where to stop?," I think to myself.     "Safety is my middle name! How dare he."  Ok, it's not about me.... it's about needs. So, amazingly, I roll down the window and say with a guess "I realize your job is all about safety and it's really important to you that we all stay safe?  I just want you to know, I'm doing the best I can to tell where you wanted me to stop." 
    That was it - that was my guess of his needs and then mine - I wanted to be seen for my intention and that I value safety too! I didn't make a classic request as the NVC model offers - just some empathy guesses for each of us.
      Well, he looked quite confused - probably hadn't heard anything like that before! Probably more like "What the hell is YOUR problem! I can't tell where I'm supposed to stop!"  So he could answer, "What are you stupid?  Can't you read the sign?" 

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     So, yes, I was proud that even in my anger, I remembered that it's about Needs, it always is. He had a huge need for safety, keeping his job (financial security), wanting ease and protection.  I felt so much better having actually expressed my anger fully, in a way I think he could take in, even if he was a bit perplexed.  His look showed that he got it.  And I felt way better than thinking over and over again about how I couldn't defend myself and prove he was wrong.  I did NOT want to be seen as a stupid woman driver. That would have gone around and around in my head all day - never having the sense I was heard or seen.  And it would have affected how I showed up for my loved ones - I'd be all reactive and sensitive to any comment.  I felt defensive, yes, and yet I got that it was about his needs for safety.
    Now I can't always do that - especially when it's a statement that comes from someone I'm close to. But, Hey, I can do it some of the time, and as Marshall says his goal is "to become progressively less stupid every day." 
    I am grateful that there have been times that I can even translate "Why don't you ever.....?" and even "I hate you!"  As long as I take a big deep breath first and then notice my needs . Then I can make a guess that "Why don't you ever...?" is a plea for wanting to know they matter, trust, and reassurance, maybe even safety.  And "I hate you!" is a plea for understanding of how much pain they're in or, care, trust, and to know they matter.  A fellow colleague even got to the point of being able to only see needs when her son said "F*** you!"  She immediately knew that was a plea for help.  Underneath behavior and words there's always a precious need, trying to get out!
    So today, make one attempt at hearing your own need and the need of someone else, even if it comes in a package you don't enjoy! It will help you to quit taking it personally and help you and the other person move towards what you DO want.   (See below for a partial need/value list).
    AND if you want to learn more about communicating effectively - take a class about Nonviolent Communication.  I'm teaching an introductory course in May on Bainbridge Island, WA, Friday evenings. Click here to see the schedule.
  

And repeat three times "It's not, it's not, it's not about me,
it is, it is, it is about NEEDS!"
Click here for the full rap song