COMPASSIONATE LANGUAGE-A PRACTICE TO BRING PEACE TO YOURSELF, AND TO SPEAK AND LISTEN IN WAYS THAT LEAD TO CONNECTION AND UNDERSTANDING.
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Nonviolent Communication - compassion for ourselves, compassion for others and ways to speak truth while creating connection and understanding.

Empathy for Joy

8/22/2014

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When we're wanting to change how we communicate and we're learning Nonviolent Communication we often focus on trying to apply the language and the consciousness of compassion during the most difficult situations - conflict with our loved ones.  One of the most helpful things I was told while trying to integrate nonviolence into my life was how important Empathy for Joy was.  What does this mean?  

Empathy for Joy is noticing when Needs are met - when we're connected to what we value.  Notice when you have connection, when you feel reassured, when you feel included and have a sense of belonging.  Notice when you feel love, peacefulness, calm, excitement and ask yourself "What Needs of mine am I connected to?" or "What Needs are met right now?" Name them - "Ahhh, Connection, Belonging, Hope, Reassurance, Fun & Play."

Recently, a Meditation group I'm part of that meets monthly began studying Rick Hanson's book Hardwiring Happiness (which I highly recommend).  AND you can watch him on You tube for some quickie ways to actually balance out what he calls our brain's Negativity Bias.  In short, this isn't about making more happy things happen by getting that special job, or having everyone in your life be perfectly ok in any moment, or about having a certain someone, or car or vacation.  It's about NOTICING when Needs are met and letting it sink in.  His process is called HEAL.

Have a "good" experience - meaning notice when your Needs are met.
Enhance it - Take a few moments to name the Need met, and feel it in your body, notice what it's like to have this need met. Pause, take it in.
Absorb it - Even saying the Need and relishing how important this need is, visualize it filling your body up.  You can do this for 30 seconds and it has an effect. 
Link - This part is optional.  Link the good experience (Needs met) to a time when you didn't have Needs met.  He says to have caution for this part to have support if it's a big trauma or trigger.  Start small, if you're feeling inclusion link this to a memory you have of being at a party and for a moment having no one to talk and feeling a bit awkward, longing for acceptance.  

For years I've had a practice as I get ready for bed and settle in for the night, I name 3 Needs of mine that were met that day.  I often drift off to sleep while naming many, many Needs met. And now I've learned that this and other Empathy for Joy practices are actually hardwiring my brain for Happiness.  Balancing out my brain (and everyone else's) bias for what is wrong.  We now have the science behind the importance of  Empathy for Joy and the power of Empathy.   It may even make it more possible to have empathy when Needs aren't met because as Rick Hanson says, we fill our bucket up drop by drop.  So put a drop in the bucket today! And give empathy for Joy to others!  When they are excited, happy, joyful, or peaceful guess what Needs of theirs are met - "Wow, you look really excited about the meeting. Do you have a sense of contributing and being seen for your expertise?" or "Sounds like you're really grateful that you have a such friendship in your life?" 

For this week - try 3 times a day, pausing and noticing Needs met and then trying the HEAL process for 30 seconds, notice how you feel.  Or just notice the Needs that are met and notice how you feel in your body and what the state of your heart is.  Notice when others have their Needs met.
Let me know how your week goes! Please put comments on facebook! (It inspires others).

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT Universal Needs are - click the link above that says More and choose Resources.  At the bottom of the page is a list of Universal Needs that Marshall Rosenberg created as a core part of Nonviolent Communication. Universal Needs means that it is a value that everyone wants to be able to thrive.   Everything we say and do is to meet or connect with a value or Universal Need, therefore having awareness of Needs, or a Needs consciousness, increases our ability to be aware and clear about what it is we value that is up for us in any moment.  When we clarify what is important to us, we move toward it - it is on our radar.  And when we notice when Needs are met we are more likely to continue to do the thing that contributed to our Needs being met.  It helps us have compassion and self-responsibility for ourselves. Needs awareness also helps us have compassion for others - we are able to see them as human again.  We need more of this in our lives.  
IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS POWERFUL STUFF look at the classes I have coming up and come! Or look at the books I list under Resources and start reading today!

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Running towards life

1/6/2014

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     I always seem to get an epiphany while I’m running.  Things that relate to life.
     It’s a place for me to practice "being with" and noticing what happens when I don’t resist.  Often while I’m running I begin to feel fatigued or something hurts and I want to stop.  I begin to resist and I tense up, which takes me out of a better form for running.  So, I decided one day to look at what I was telling myself.  I realized there was an unconscious part that was saying,
     “You’re getting too tired!  You can't do this.  It's not ok! You need to stop!” 
     It's the part of my brain that monitors my physical state and wants to keep me alive.  Once I was aware of the thoughts then I could gain perspective, and check if they were true.
         Funny how in life there are thoughts in the subconscious, but just by bringing them to light, they lose their power.  Different than just “thinking positively”.  To me it’s about increasing my tolerance just to be with however I’m feeling.  First I need to notice the underlying thoughts. Because it’s my thoughts that bring about my feelings.  I learned this when I learned W.A.I.T:  What Am I Telling Myself? And then I look at what I’m feeling when I’m telling myself those thoughts. 
                So after the thoughts I noticed my feelings.  I felt worried and stressed, because I wanted reassurance and trust in my body.  And I wanted well-being and definitely comfort.  So instead of running and thinking, “When can I stop?! ” or “I can’t do this.  I can’t handle it”, I decided to experiment and just be with the feelings of worry and stress and relax into "this is where I am.  I have some resistance." 
                And suddenly relief came, much more than when I resisted the thoughts or tried to talk myself out of them.  The more I just said “Yup, I’m tired and worried because I'm wanting to trust I can do this and I want ease from discomfort.” - the more I felt at ease running and enjoyed the journey.  As soon as I accepted and stopped resisting, I began to be less tight and my true, natural form of running returned.  I began to look at the trees instead of my watch, and worried less about when I could stop.  I experimented with just saying what I valued  - trust, well being, reassurance and that I could keep going. Then I began to appreciate the parts of my body that felt strong.
     And I thought how important this is for me to do in life.  Be with what is and keep going and get to gratitude.  Not resisting when pain or worry comes up, not beating myself up for having my feelings, but mindfully choosing to be with it and, most importantly, getting to what it is that I value – Reassurance, Trust, Care for others, Peace of mind, etc.  Then I begin to move towards what I’m wanting.   When I resisted it was like those feelings went downstairs and lifted weights and came back when I didn’t expect it! “What we resist, persists.”   In allowing I found more gratitude in the process, too.   I never thought I would learn to be OK with any feeling and be able to handle life.  Such a tool for empowerment! 
     So the next time one of my kids did something that triggered me where I found myself furrowing my brow and sighing, I stopped and did WAIT.  I was telling myself that they weren’t functioning and so never would.  That I was messing up for not teaching them better. That they weren't safe. 
    "Really? Is that true?" 
    Just noticing this gave me a bit of distance from having thoughts and having them be my reality and the truth.  I realized I felt anxious, scared, and discouraged.  I remembered Tara Brach’s Yes Meditation.  And so, although I felt a bit silly, I said out loud to myself,
    “Yes to worry."  Breath.  "Yes to fear." Another breath.   "Yes to discouragement.”   
     And I realized I wanted reassurance for them being ok, to have Peace of mind and to Trust.  When I became aware of these values then requests came as to how I could trust and find reassurance. That gave me compassion so I could be aware and act out of choice rather than react out of fear.  Whew. That felt reassuring.  I could decide to trust.  I felt so much more resilient. 
    Maybe THIS was all I needed to teach my children.  Help them know how to be with any feeling that comes up.  And to show them how to look at what's important to them that's connected to that feeling, what they value.  Then I’d be reassured that THEY can increase their window of tolerance and be resilient, too. Rather than resisting life, they, like me could run towards life.

Summary:
1.  Breathe
2.  W.A.I.T.  What Am I Thinking? What am I resisting?
3.  What is my body telling me - What am I feeling? What do I feel in my body?
4.  Connect to my core, literally and figuratively.  What do those emotions point to? 
What is important to me? What are my Universal Needs?
5.  Breathe into what's important to me.  Picture breathing that need into my heart.  Savor it.  Rest in Gratitude for those precious values.
6.  See if any requests come.


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Anger lesson from "the hole"

5/2/2013

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It's a typical Tuesday and I find myself in the most uncommon place. I'm sitting in a room with four women chained to their chairs. Not only that, they have chains around their waists, around their hands, and feet.  I'm in a small echo chamber room in the middle of segregation at the Women's Prison - or what's often called, "the hole". And although I'm not usually claustrophobic, just seeing them in their chains in this cold, cell block, I feel claustrophobic.  
     I'm co-leading a Nonviolent Communication class in segregation with another volunteer and today we're talking about Anger.  To violent offenders. 
     I listen to one of the inmates, a young woman who has a son, who is in for 7 years for assault.  She speaks about growing up with everyone hitting each other.  She says with tears in her eyes, "I need to find another way. I don't know any other way, but I know I need to change." 
  And I think at first, we've had such different lives.  YET, as she explains, "When I'm angry I can't think."  I can relate to that! Any human can relate to that.  Our brains just shut down as we go into "Fight or Flight", in this case her brain has taught her to fight.  And I think of how many things I regret doing while in the grips of anger, or some other emotion - fear, hurt, desperation.   

And I realize we are the same. "There but for the grace of God go I," I think.  And I know that Nonviolent Communication can help her and everyone else who wants to know how to work with emotions and act in accordance with their values. It's helped me.
- teaching me how to slow down, check in, notice what's going on and get to the feelings and values that are important to me.And then act, not react.  It's helped me listen to others and hear what's underneath their words or actions, even when I don't enjoy what's happening.  It's not just for violent offenders! 
  She pleads to us in the class - "I'm so much more than violence - that's not all of me. You got to help me."  And I look in her eyes and I know that I trust this process I have come to live by. 
And I think of the formula for dealing with anger (or any intense feeling).
1.   Notice what's happening - that you're angry.
2.  Stop! Don't speak or act. You're about to do or say something that won't get what you're really wanting.
3.   Breathe - get oxygen back to the thinking part of the brain!
4.  W.A.I.T. What Am I Thinking? (that's leading me to these feelings?) 
5.  What other Feelings are there? (besides anger - there is usually other emotions - often hurt or fear underneath).
6.   What am I Needing? What is important to me? -What do I value that I'm not connected with   - Universal Needs, such as Consideration, To be heard, To be seen, Respect, Peace, Ease, etc.
7.   Request - What do I want to do now to meet my needs?
    I give her a worksheet so she can look back at times she has acted out of anger and find what was really important to her underneath. She realizes what it was - to be heard and to protect herself from uncomfortable feelings.  Maybe there are other ways she can get this.  It's a start! 
     She is determined to learn about herself so her son won't grow up with physical violence as the only choice to get what he wants.  And I am grateful for being reminded of how people can change.  That I can change.  That Nonviolent Communication can help people get self-awareness and self-compassion so that they may express themselves in ways that can be heard and listen to others with compassion in ways that lead to understanding and connection. 
    As humans we can learn ways to communicate that are more serving, and ALL of us need these skills to improve our relationships, to act out of choice. 
     IF WE DO THIS, we can change the world.  More inner peace, more understanding, more compassion will ripple out and maybe people can be heard without choosing tragic and often hurtful ways to be heard. 
  *IF YOU'RE INTERESTED in learning how you can improve your relationships, your life and the world, read Nonviolent Communication:  A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg.  It changed my life.  OR take my next class - I love to share what's so meaningful to me.
Strengthening Relationships: 
A foundational course in Nonviolent Communication, Fridays, starting May 10th for 8 weeks, 7-9pm, Bainbridge Island, WA
    See the CALENDAR TAB above for more information.
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This is not, this is not, this is not about me....

3/26/2013

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This is from a line of a rap song by NVC trainer, Doug Dolstad.  It follows, "It is, it is, it is about Needs!"  This is one of the most liberating statements. I have always wondered how in the world, you actually "Stop taking it personally!" as I had always been told. And finally the answer - to remember it's about needs (our values) - mine and the other person.  And yet so hard to remember in the moment.  Everything we say or do is to meet a need, even if it's a tragic expression of a need -there's something important wanting to come out. And when I see this I move from judgments to connection.
    Here's a funny example - So, it's a typical rainy, dark day in the Puget Sound area. I'm in a school zone - I'm watching kids on both sides of the street, I'm trying to see in the rain, I see construction ahead. I see a sign saying "STOP" way ahead.  I move to where the sign is to wait for the sign holder to direct me. He starts waving the sign back and forth at a faster speed as I get closer - I clue in - he wants me to stop where I am NOT where he is.  He walks back to me and gives the universal sign for "what the hell are you doing?"  by raising his arms and opening his palms up while shaking his head. I feel so angry.
     "Are you implying that I'm a stupid driver that doesn't know where to stop?," I think to myself.     "Safety is my middle name! How dare he."  Ok, it's not about me.... it's about needs. So, amazingly, I roll down the window and say with a guess "I realize your job is all about safety and it's really important to you that we all stay safe?  I just want you to know, I'm doing the best I can to tell where you wanted me to stop." 
    That was it - that was my guess of his needs and then mine - I wanted to be seen for my intention and that I value safety too! I didn't make a classic request as the NVC model offers - just some empathy guesses for each of us.
      Well, he looked quite confused - probably hadn't heard anything like that before! Probably more like "What the hell is YOUR problem! I can't tell where I'm supposed to stop!"  So he could answer, "What are you stupid?  Can't you read the sign?" 


     So, yes, I was proud that even in my anger, I remembered that it's about Needs, it always is. He had a huge need for safety, keeping his job (financial security), wanting ease and protection.  I felt so much better having actually expressed my anger fully, in a way I think he could take in, even if he was a bit perplexed.  His look showed that he got it.  And I felt way better than thinking over and over again about how I couldn't defend myself and prove he was wrong.  I did NOT want to be seen as a stupid woman driver. That would have gone around and around in my head all day - never having the sense I was heard or seen.  And it would have affected how I showed up for my loved ones - I'd be all reactive and sensitive to any comment.  I felt defensive, yes, and yet I got that it was about his needs for safety.
    Now I can't always do that - especially when it's a statement that comes from someone I'm close to. But, Hey, I can do it some of the time, and as Marshall says his goal is "to become progressively less stupid every day." 
    I am grateful that there have been times that I can even translate "Why don't you ever.....?" and even "I hate you!"  As long as I take a big deep breath first and then notice my needs . Then I can make a guess that "Why don't you ever...?" is a plea for wanting to know they matter, trust, and reassurance, maybe even safety.  And "I hate you!" is a plea for understanding of how much pain they're in or, care, trust, and to know they matter.  A fellow colleague even got to the point of being able to only see needs when her son said "F*** you!"  She immediately knew that was a plea for help.  Underneath behavior and words there's always a precious need, trying to get out!
    So today, make one attempt at hearing your own need and the need of someone else, even if it comes in a package you don't enjoy! It will help you to quit taking it personally and help you and the other person move towards what you DO want.   (See below for a partial need/value list).
    AND if you want to learn more about communicating effectively - take a class about Nonviolent Communication.  I'm teaching an introductory course in May on Bainbridge Island, WA, Friday evenings. Click here to see the schedule.
  
And repeat three times "It's not, it's not, it's not about me,
it is, it is, it is about NEEDS!"

Click here for the full rap song
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Showing Love

2/14/2013

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When you understand, you cannot help but love.
You cannot get angry. 
To develop understanding, you have to practice looking...
with eyes of compassion.
When you understand, you love.
And, when you love you naturally act in a way that can
relieve the suffering of people."
-Thich Nhat Hahn
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Since it's near Valentines Day it seems appropriate to write about Love. Why is it that it is often the hardest to communicate with the ones we love? Why is it that we misunderstand the slightest of things, and react? Or that we also say things that don't show the care we really feel?  Is it that we want to protect ourselves from pain?  And it seems like such a paradox that we want to protect the ones we love from any pain and doing this we say things that often bring hurt and disconnection.

    For example, if someone I love is in pain, my brain kicks in that I must rescue them from this pain. So if they are feeling discouraged and don't have trust that they can do something, I say "Yes, you can!  You're amazing!" in hopes of reassurance. Yet all  they hear is that they shouldn't feel bad. Then they're all alone in their feelings because I don't get it.  And they're even worse because they don't just "get over it and move on." which would make me happy.  ARGGG! And they react with "You don't understand" or "Yes, BUT blah, blah blah" or whatever to justify their feelings and we go back and forth. And pretty soon, they walk away.  I'm acting out of love, but my care is not being received.  How do I show my love?
    Am I the only one that goes through this?  What's so ironic is that when I'm hurting, and I feel sad or disallusioned or hopeless, I just want someone to get how much pain I'm in, not to solve it, just to be with me and understand. So I know how it feels, yet I still jump in.
     I realize not everyone feels this way, many people report they just want relief from the pain. I've never seen being talked out of it really working though in either case.  It's like the pain never really gets heard and so goes back into hiding, waiting to come out. And we feel alone in it.
   What I have learned, through lots of "mistakes" and opportunities to learn, is that Empathy first really helps with connection and understanding. It's really unconditional love - showing that I can receive and be with whatever feeling or thought my loved one has, with no judgment that they need to shift or change or be different right now. Showing them they are not alone in their pain!  Then there is no condition on my love - they don't have to be happy, or be "over it" to be loved. I love them with all their thoughts and feelings!  Mostly that I get how they are right now and that they are not their feelings or their thoughts. They are having an experience that I can acknowledge and walk along side them in.  And in so doing, I may ease their suffering.
    My children have been my teachers in this. Especially my oldest daughter, who now can articulate - "I just want you to get how hard this is for me right now and how much I hurt."  Wow, that helps me. She has been my greatest teacher of learning to understand and learning to be in empathy with her, instead of consoling or fixing her. There is nothing wrong, nothing is broken.
    So I can meet my need for showing love by hearing and either offering silent empathy or empathy out loud.  It might sounds like:

"Wow, I hear you're really hurting right now. You're really doing the best you can right now and it's hard. And you feel really sad because you aren't connected to trust in yourself or in your competence?  Did I get the place you're in?"    
    After more empathy guesses of feelings and needs, then I can say
"I'd love to give you some reassurance. And I have some ideas, would you like to hear them? Or is there more you'd like me to hear?"
    So for Valentines Day or any time when we want to show love, show your unconditional love by listening, and really getting where your loved one is coming from - give the gift of empathy.  It's a gift for you because you'll have your needs for contribution to your loved one met! And it's a gift for them to have some understanding and companionship when they're hurting. They'll let you know if they were heard.  And then you can check in with them and see if they'd like your offer of reassurance or hope, if that's what they're wanting.  When you understand, you love! 
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The Illusion of Reassurance

6/25/2012

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    I have been wondering for some time what to "blog" about.  And I recently had an inspiration.  It comes from something I saw on a ferry trip I was taking to meet my sister and dad for Father's day.  As I watched the scene unfold, I was reminded of the difficulties of being with those we love when we perceive they are in distress.....
    I was watching the sun on the water when I heard a child, although not a very small child, crying and saying over and over in what I heard as a loud tone,
     "We have to hurry!  Mama, hurry!  You don't understand, we need to hurry!  Hurry! Hurry!"  She sounded so distraught that I turned to see a girl, maybe 8 years old, pulling the arm of what I assumed was her mother in the direction of a table infront of me.  Tears were streaming down her face and her face looked terrified.  They joined two teenagers at a table in front of me.
"We have to hurry!" she exclaimed, "before the boat lands!!!" 
    

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    Marcia has been studying and practicing Nonviolent Communication since 2005. She has experienced immense joy & gratitude while learning this consciousness. This blog reflects some of that learning.
    Find Marcia on facebook at www.facebook.com/
    marciachristenNVCtrainer

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